I Could Get Used to This
by Saber Wing
Summary: Alistair, Maric, Cailan, a whole lot of booze, and tons of unresolved childhood issues discussed in a drunken dream sequence. Now that I have your attention, need I say more?


_**Author's Note: **_…yeah, I don't know where this came from either. Maybe _I _was drunk when the idea came into my head. Nevertheless, here it is. I just couldn't pass up an opportunity to shamelessly make fun of our favorite Theirin boys. Hope you enjoy ^_^

_**I Could Get Used to This**_

Well, this was an interesting dream. Not quite as good as the ones about cheese, but he supposed it would have to do.

He found himself in a room surrounded by nothing but white light as far as the eye could see. You know, just like in all of the tales others told about dead people…except for the fact that there was a table and some chairs in the center. Oh, and booze. Lots and _lots _of booze.

No, really. Stop _looking _at him like that, he was serious.

But wait, that wasn't all! _In the chairs, _his estranged father and brother sat, drowning themselves in ale and laughing about something that was apparently _hilarious _for all of the fuss they were making. Until they noticed him standing there of course, in which both of them stopped and waved him enthusiastically into a chair beside them.

Exactly _how _much did Alistair have to drink before he went to sleep last night? If he woke up to find himself naked under the table again, Oghren was _so _darkspawn food. The dwarf knew how much of a lightweight he was, and he used every opportunity to exploit it.

"There you are, Alistair! We were beginning to think you weren't coming," King Maric exclaimed, clapping him hard on the shoulder and pouring a measure of ale into a glass for him. Alistair could only stare, slack-jawed.

"I, uh…wouldn't miss it?"

Calian smiled at him, punching his shoulder good-naturedly. "Glad to have you with us, Alistair."

"Indeed! I missed you," Maric uttered fondly, with a drunken grin. He made a lunge towards him, and for one horrible moment, Alistair thought he was trying to give him a _hug_. He quickly scooted away, bewildered. Was he _serious?_

"Missed me? Oh, of course. _Naturally _you will have missed me. It has been far too long. I haven't seen you since…what? _Never?"_

"There was that one time in Redcliffe," Maric replied, a bit defensively.

"You can't honestly expect me to count that. It was for the better part of two minutes. Not that either of us had time for anything more, I suppose. My cold, lonely stable awaited me. I think it was raining that day, too. Do you know how drafty barns can get during _a thunder storm_?"

"_What?_! Eamon made you stay in the stables? During storms and the like and _everything_?"

Alistair snorted. So he hadn't even realized? The young Grey-Warden wasn't sure if that made him feel better or worse about the whole situation. "Are you pretending to care about my upbringing? Forgive me if I can't control my laughter on that thought."

Thus far, his half-brother had been content to listen in silence, but now he chose to interject himself into the conversation. A bit belligerently too, he might add.

"Oh, you think you have problems. You'd never had parents to begin with, so you were used to it, and you lived in a barn, but at least you had freedom. I was confined to a gilded cage my whole life, and both of my parents were around just long enough so that I would remember them once they were gone."

Brothers unite against their evil neglectful father, huh? Sounded fine to him. Although, the King looked so pale and distressed, Alistair would have felt bad. If, you know, he didn't already hate his guts.

"I came back. Eventually," Maric said in a small voice. Judging from his tone, though, he knew this battle was already over.

"Maybe so, but you didn't plan to. Loghain never would tell me much when I asked him why you weren't there, and it tore me up inside, but now I see why he didn't have the heart. How could you do that to a child? Did you have any clue how much it would scar me? You could have at least told me you were leaving. I thought you'd literally vanished into thin air, and that it was somehow my fault."

"What was I supposed to say? Sorry, Cailan, daddy has to go die now. Be a good little boy, and have fun ruling the country when you're older. It _sucks._"

"Well, _no, _but anything would have been better than nothing. Even just a, 'good-bye' and a kiss on the forehead might have been nice. One day you were there and the next you just…weren't."

"You…well, you could have been more specific when you asked Loghain where I'd gone."

Cailan gave him a look that could only be described as 'dead-pan.'

"Well, you simply _must _forgive that little lapse, father. I was too busy developing abandonment issues to think clearly! My mistake, sorry."

"Ooh. That was a second degree burn _at least,_" Alistair muttered in appreciation, impressed.

Maric suddenly seemed to find something very intriguing on the floor. "All right, all right. I know I'm not father of the year; you don't have to tell me that. It's all my fault. I'm sorry. Disgraced, shit-stain of a parent…that's what I am."

Alistair couldn't contain his sigh. "Now you've done it. He'll keep on like this all day."

"You sound like Loghain," Maric muttered, sulkily.

His older brother seemed to take pity on the poor man, and he patted his father on the shoulder in some sort of attempt at comfort. "Forget about it. Here, how about I buy the next one?"

"I don't need another drink." King Maric paused, seemed to contemplate for a moment. "Okay, maybe I do. Just one. Or two."

"Woo, déjà vu, guys. Seriously. I can't explain it, but somehow I feel…cheated. Haven't _I _said all of this before?" Maybe it sounded absurd, but Alistair couldn't shake the feeling that this scene had _happened_ at some point or another.

Cailan snorted, as Maric snatched up a full bottle of whiskey. Somehow, Alistair doubted it would remain so full for very long. "Psh. If you ever did partake in a conversation like this, I should certainly hope you would remember it in vivid detail. It's not every day you get to speak with your estranged half-brother and father in an alcohol-induced dream sequence."

Alistair frowned. "I suppose you're right." He wasn't entirely convinced, but what did that matter anyway? Nothing ever really made sense, the more he thought about it. Nothing ever truly seemed like _his_ decision, either. Honestly, sometimes he felt as if every action he took was just some meaningless step in a dead-end direction. It was like his existence served no purpose other than to provide amusement for a bunch of losers, who had nothing else better to do with their lives than to make-out with a collection of pixels just for shits and giggles.

He shuddered at the thought. Ugh. _Creepy._

Maric slammed the now empty whiskey bottle down on the table, shattering it in the process and pelting both of his sons with shards of glass. "So anyway, are we done yet, huh? Wait, _I know. _Why should such an event ever end? Let's make this a national holiday, shall we? I Hate Maric Day. Has a nice ring to it, huh?"

Cailan raised a sculpted eyebrow. "I never said I hated you."

"_I _did," Alistair interjected cheerfully, with a cheeky grin.

Maric sighed mournfully, the very picture of regret. Alistair was even tempted to take him seriously for a moment, but the way he slurred all of his words when he talked sort of ruined the effect. "Alistair, I know you may not believe this, but I do love you. You're my son as much as Cailan is, and I've only ever wanted the best for you."

"Oh, of course! How could I _ever _doubt that when the first thing you said after holding me in your arms was, 'He's human_!_"

"I was still in shock, okay? I'd just found out that I had a secret love child with an elven mage."

"Yeah, but…he's _human? _You couldn't have come up with something better than that? Even a cliché', 'How could this happen?' or, 'Wow, he looks like me,' would have been better. Or you could have just fainted or something. Ha. Yeah, that would have been funny."

"Wait a second. How do you know that, anyway? You were an infant. You couldn't possibly remember."

Alistair rolled his eyes. "Obviously I read the _books, _Maric. Duh. Not that you would have any knowledge of what one looks like."

"Ah, very nice. I haven't heard _that _one before, honest."

"Hey, don't deflect a serious discussion with sarcasm! That's _my _job. And I'm not done yet. How could you just give me up at the drop of a hat? Don't even start on that, 'I wanted you to be free of my burden' bullshit, either. I mean, doing it the way you did was certainly easier than dealing with a bastard heir, so I guess I can see where you were coming from. The Landsmeet would have _loved _that one. But wasn't it the _least _bit hard for you? Did you even kiss me good bye?"

"Your mother and I wanted you to have a normal, happy life, Alistair. Nevertheless, giving you up was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. You must believe that. And of _course _I kissed you good bye. What kind of a father…" Maric trailed off as Cailan shot him an icy look of contempt, one that was sharp enough to run him through by itself.

"Oh yeah. Oops. Sorry about that, Cailan."

Cailan's shoulders slumped, and he sighed heavily. "And you thought _you _were the neglected one."

Alistair rubbed his chin, pensive. "Hmm. I have a thought. Maybe _not_ being raised by you is what saved my life. After all, look at what happened to Cailan. The second he said the words 'strategies' and 'bore me' in the same sentence, I should have known we were all going to die."

Maric frowned, but didn't argue with him. "Well, in his defense, Loghain _is _really boring."

"Fair enough."

The object of their conversation threw up his hands, frustrated. "I'm still sitting here, you know. You don't have to talk about me as if I'm not. And _I _saved your life, Alistair, remember? I had Duncan send you to that tower on purpose."

Alistair frowned. "I remember Duncan saying that, but I thought it was just his own excuse to keep me out of the fighting. It's true, then?"

"Of course. I didn't want the Theirin bloodline to die out in case the worst happened, which it did. I'm not as much of an idiot as I look, I'll have you know."

"Wow. Well, thanks for that. You probably saved Ferelden in the process, too. I mean, really. What would these people do without me?"

Cailan snorted. "No need to be modest or anything."

"By the way; I do think that your master plan to unite Ferelden and Orlais was a noble one, if a bit rash. I'm just sorry it didn't pan out. You might have had to throw Anora aside to do it, but who cares. She's a bitch."

"I _know, _right? You try snuggling up to that every night. She's as cold as a block of ice. And the sex kind of sucked too. She's so much like her father it's almost like sex with _Loghain. _Except for the fact that Anora is prettier. And female," he added, almost as an after-thought.

Alistair shivered with sympathetic disgust. Poor sod. "Never thought of it that way, but eww. I guess you're right."

"_Cailan!" _Their father seemed appalled on the poor woman's behalf and normally, Alistair would agree with him. He wasn't one to judge people harshly very often, but _Maker _he hated Anora. He hated her _so much._

His brother just shrugged at the outburst, unconcerned. "What? That engagement was yours and Loghain's idea, anyway. I never had a say. Besides, the people would have complained about her eventually. After five years, we still didn't have an heir. Questions were already being raised as it was."

Maric seemed dumb-founded. It was really rather funny the way his mouth kept opening and closing like that. "So you're telling me that being married to Anora was _so _bad, you would rather risk a lynch mob, disapproval of the Landsmeet, and Loghain's teetering sanity, all on a gamble to marry the Empress of Orlais?"

"Yes. Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying."

"Maker's breath…well, in that case, I'm sorry.I didn't think the match would make you _that _miserable. My marriage was arranged, and while we didn't exactly love each other at first, we at least cared about one another. Although, I do wonder how Rowan would have reacted if _I'd_ died early on in our marriage. Probably would have cheerfully leaped back into Loghain's arms, fade take the son-of-a-bitch."

Cailan pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut against the unbearable agony that was listening to Maric talk. "Father? Shut up. _Please, _before you lose whatever credibility you have left with me."

Maric had the good sense to look sheepish. "Right. Sorry." He sighed heavily, hiccupped, then continued. "I wish Katriel were here. Or Rowan. Or Fiona. Or maybe that one maid…hmm, what the hell was her name again? Sarah? Julia?"

"Hey, _I _had a Julia too. That's weird. She looked to be somewhere in her late thirties, come to think of it. I certainly hope it wasn't the same girl. That's not exactly the sort of bonding I had in mind for the two of us. After all, that would sort of mean I indirectly had sex with _you_, and that's just disturbing," Cailan replied, seemingly horrified by the notion.

"Was she blonde? Gorgeous green eyes, knew...things?"

"…yes. Oh Maker, I could have done without this discovery."

Alistair couldn't resist a facepalm. He was definitely seeing a pattern. "Am I the only person here who isn't a complete and utter man-whore?"

Both his father and brother exchanged a glance. Then they shrugged, identical smirks on their faces, and at the same time, uttered a shameless: "Yes."

"Well, that and you're the only one out of us who hasn't been completely humiliated by an Ogre," Maric said, in a matter-of-fact sort of way.

"True." Alistair gave a happy sigh. "You know, hanging out with you guys makes me feel ten times better about myself. I could get used to this."

"So glad our misfortune benefits you," Cailan dead-panned. Maric merely nodded sagely.

"He's right though. Thank the _Maker _I didn't raise him. There's no way he would have turned out this good, that's for sure."

_Ah, yes._ Alistair thought, as he propped his feet up on the table and downed his glass of ale. He could _definitely _get used to this.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm sorry, boys. Especially poor Maric…I tore him to shreds in this fic. I love you all. Really, I do! It's just so hilarious and easy to make fun of you. By the way, did anyone catch the Dragon Age II reference in here? I tried to make it obvious xD

Hope you guys enjoyed that, and as always, thanks for reading. Review? ;D


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